


Still here, still alive

by StrangeNoise



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Porn, Consensual Sex, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Kissing, M/M, Near Death Experiences, One Night Stands, Un-betad, angst without happy ending, sex as coping, taking advantage of someone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 10:14:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19743607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangeNoise/pseuds/StrangeNoise
Summary: After his son's death Hank has done his best to numb himself with alcohol. But over time, that numbness takes its toll on him and after he and Gavin only barely escape death, he takes advantage of the young man to finally feel alive again...





	Still here, still alive

“Christ, this took for fucking ever”, Gavin complained from the driver’s seat and Hank gave a non-committal grunt. He was dead tired and in no mood to listen to his co-worker’s complaints. Even though Gavin was actually right for once. The crime scene they had been called to a little past midnight because there weren’t many others on duty – and those that were didn’t have a car available – should have been wrapped up in less than an hour. Instead, it had taken closer to two and a half. An unholy mixture of people not arriving on time, others not doing their job correctly and someone constantly finding something new to look for every time they were about five minutes from packing up and leaving had led to them working until just a few minutes ago. And they both had another early shift tomorrow which made matters worse.  
  
Still, Hank refused to react to Gavin’s constant complaints in any way. In the past year, their relationship as colleagues had gotten worse to the point where they could still work together but refused to exchange more than a couple sentences with each other unless it was directly related to their work or a case at hand. A lot of his friendships had gone downhill in the past year, Hank mused. He couldn’t really blame most of the people, who didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Hank had retreated from social life for the most part after his son’s death and subsequent divorce. He had pushed lifelong friends away and treated everyone around as poorly as he possibly could. Especially Gavin, who refused to just take such treatment as opposed to many of their co-workers, who mainly only shrugged and went about their day after Hank had snarled at them once again.  
  
Gavin would gripe back and pick fights until someone forcefully removed him from Hank’s presence. What Hank had regarded as youthful hotheadedness and a tendency to get himself into trouble when Gavin had first started working for the DPD were now glaring and annoying character flaws to him. Whenever they got into a fight about his miserable work ethic, Hank felt like deep down Gavin accused him of letting himself go after his son’s death. Or maybe he was just projecting his own insecurities onto the young man next to him.  
  
Hank didn’t know anymore and for the most part, he didn’t care either. Nothing really mattered to him anymore since Cole was gone. And why should it? The only good thing in his life was gone and he was currently busy fucking everything else up for himself. Most nights he numbed the pain with copious amounts of liquor but these days he was quickly becoming weary of that numb feeling, too. Often enough it felt like he wasn’t even alive anymore. Just existing, as a shadow among others, who were more alive than him and carried on with their lives as usual while he was trapped somewhere between life and death.  
  
“What the fuck is this guy even doing…”, Gavin muttered next to him and Hank resurfaced from his glum thoughts to look ahead and see for himself what Gavin was bitching about now. They were currently driving across one of those new, fancy bridges Detroit had built over the past decade. Ahead of them, a car was quickly coming closer, its headlights growing bigger with every passing second. As it came closer, Hank came to realize that the car wasn’t only going at least twenty miles over the speed limit but that the driver was also most likely ridiculously drunk. The vehicle swerved from left to right, crossing over onto their lane and back again.  
  
“Holy shit, get out of that guy’s way”, he told Gavin, who gestured at the sides of the road wildly.  
  
“And where do you want me to go?!”, he exclaimed and Hank had to admit that there was no way they could somehow squeeze past the guy if he drove back onto their lane. There were guardrails to both sides of the road and after that only god knew how many meters of free fall.  
  
“Just…fucking do _something_!”, Hank barked, memories of an early morning a year ago welling up inside him and threatening to overwhelm him. His heart was racing as he frantically sought for a way out of the situation.  
  
“What the fuck am I supposed to do?!”, Gavin complained next to him but at least slowed down the car. Ahead of them, the other car was in their lane again, coming dangerously close at break-neck speed. Hank could only watch in horror and held his breath as he waited for the inevitable crash.  
  
But mere moments before they would have collided, the driver guided his vehicle back into the other lane and drove past them as if nothing had ever happened. Hank’s heart was still hammering in his chest even as he saw the car’s taillight vanish in the dark behind them.  
  
“Fuck”, Gavin muttered next to him, “That was fucking close.” Hank nodded slowly, still not quite believing that this had been it and that they had survived. After a few moments, he turned to look at Gavin. The younger man was white as a sheet, his hands shaking where they clung to the steering wheel as if it was the only thing to keep him from completely losing it.  
  
“I need…”, Gavin announced but never finished his sentence. Instead, he killed the engine, got out of the car and lit a cigarette with shaking fingers. Hank watched him burn it down to half its length in one single, long inhale. Slowly, barely noticeable at first, the tremor in Gavin’s hands lessened and by the time he stepped back into the car, it was almost gone.  
  
“Okay, I’ll get you home, now”, Gavin announced after a deep breath, decidedly not looking at Hank. Any other time Hank might have made a comment about how strong and manly Gavin always wanted to appear and how he avoided showing weakness at all costs but right now it just didn’t feel right.  
  
“You sure you can drive?”, Hank asked. Not that he was offering. His hands were shaking even worse than Gavin’s, his heart was still threatening to burst out of his chest and his thoughts were racing to a point that it was hard to even form words. Strangely enough, it made him feel more alive than he had ever done in the past months.  
  
“I’ll manage”, Gavin replied, forcing a somewhat confident tone into his voice as he started the car again. Neither of them said anything as they slowly drove through the nightly streets of Detroit until they eventually came to a stop in front of Hank’s house.  
  
“Do you want to come in?”, Hank asked on a whim. He wasn’t sure if he didn’t want to leave Gavin alone or if he didn’t want to be alone himself right now. The speed at which Gavin agreed and got out of the car to follow him into the house told him that whatever it was, Gavin wanted to be in somebody’s company right now. And who was he to deny him that?  
  
Once they entered the house, they were greeted by Sumo, who must have woken up and now tried to get the cuddles and attention out of Gavin he knew Hank would hardly ever give him. While Gavin was busy running his hands through Sumo’s thick fur and murmuring praise, Hank proceeded to the kitchen, where he retrieved two tumblers from a cabinet and a bottle of whiskey from the fridge. He filled both glasses more than was probably advisable given that one of them still had to drive a vehicle but at the moment he couldn’t care less.  
  
Tumblers in hand, he gestured for Gavin to follow him and both men made their way to the living room. There, they stood awkwardly, both a glass full of whiskey in hand. Hank emptied his far faster than he would usually do but he needed it right now. It felt like something was burning inside him, eating away at his insides and urging him to do something. What it was he was supposed to do, he couldn’t quite figure out yet. All Hank knew was that he hadn’t felt like this in months. Where there had been numbness for as long as he cared to remember, there was now a fire, a desire to live life to the fullest. To leave all his grief behind and finally start living again.  
  
The feeling was so intense that Hank had no idea what to do with himself. He put his tumbler down onto the nearby coffee table and fixed his gaze on Gavin, who looked into his whiskey as if it held the answers to every question in the universe.  
  
“We could have died”, the younger man eventually said, his voice numb but with a tremor of something to it. Hank thought he recognized it from somewhere and realized it had to be the same feelings that burned inside of his chest right now. Gavin put his glass down next to Hank’s and looked around, unsure of what to do next.  
  
“Yeah, but we’re alive and that’s what counts, right?”, Hank replied, still looking at Gavin. When the younger male eventually returned his gaze, he found a spark in his eyes. A spark of that same thing that was coursing through his own veins and suddenly everything was crystal clear to Hank. Something in Gavin’s stance shifted and from one moment to the other, there was no going back anymore.  
  
Later, Hank couldn’t say, who of them initiated it but they were suddenly in each other’s space and their lips met in a bruising kiss. Gavin’s hands came up to bury themselves in Hank’s hair while Hank’s hands wandered down the other man’s body and came to rest on his ass. They moved against each other, desperation palpable in the air around them. After nearly dying Hank wanted to feel alive again, to ground himself in this world, to feel like he was still there and still had a purpose. Coincidentally, that seemed to be the same thing Gavin wanted. That their desire to do so manifested in a desire for each other’s bodies might have seemed strange at first but then again, what could be more life-affirming than the act of sex?  
  
They broke apart for a few seconds, both breathing heavily and eager to continue what they had begun. Neither of them said a word, too afraid it would shatter the moment and there would be no going back to it. But they looked into each other’s eyes, sharing an expression of need – for what exactly, neither could really tell. Gavin eventually nodded and Hank nodded back and that was all the consent they needed at the moment. A second later, they were back in each other’s arms again and shared another desperate kiss.  
  
Hank groaned into the kiss and pulled Gavin closer to his chest. The younger man let out something close to a mewl that he would undoubtedly have been embarrassed about, had the circumstances been the slightest bit different. As it stood, there seemed to be no room for Gavin’s inflated ego in the space they had created for themselves. It was strange seeing him like that without the usual snark to everything that came out of his mouth. For a brief second, Hank wished Gavin could always be like that. Then, his brief moment of introspection ended and he focused his attention back on the task at hand.  
  
While they kissed, they had made it to the bedroom somehow and one of them had even remembered to close the door to keep Sumo from interrupting anything. That left the both of them alone in each other’s presence, painfully aroused but still fully clothed.  
  
“Take that off”, he growled, pulling at Gavin’s jacket, then taking a step back to give him some room to actually get out of it. At the same time, Hank threw his own coat into a corner and went to unbutton his shirt. By the time he had taken that and his undershirt off and finally looked back at Gavin, the younger man had also gotten rid of his shirt and jacket. They stood opposite each other, bare-chested and just taking each other in for a moment. Something suddenly snapped between them and Hank was back in Gavin’ personal space in an instant he pulled him into another bruising kiss as his hands explored every inch of skin they could reach. Running across the planes of smooth skin and hard muscle underneath, a treacherous little voice in the back of Hank’s head reminded him of the fact that his body had felt like this once. The way Gavin’s fingers now buried themselves in the excess fat on Hank’s stomach and chest was such a stark contrast that it was almost painful to think about.  
  
To dispel such thoughts, Hank cut his exploration of Gavin’s body short and went right for his belt. After a split-second of hesitation, Gavin did the same. He had Hank’s belt unbuckled and his jeans unbuttoned and unzipped before Hank could even figure out how to get Gavin’s belt undone without looking. The older man let out a breathy groan when Gavin’s hand found its way into his pants and stroked him carefully through the fabric of his briefs. Hank hadn’t realized how hard he already was but the contact confronted him with the strength of his own arousal. In an effort to prevent himself from drowning in it, he gently pushed Gavin away from him and onto the bed.  
  
Gavin crawled up the bed backward until his head rested on one of the pillows. Hank hurried to get out of his pants and underwear and saw Gavin do the same thing. Finally, they were both naked and Hank joined Gavin on the bed. Any other night he might have taken his time and explored the younger man’s body, mapped it out with his fingers, lips, and tongue, made sure Gavin enjoyed this too. But not tonight. Tonight, the heavy erection between Gavin’s legs would have to suffice as proof that he was as into this as Hank was. Letting out a growl, Hank leaned over Gavin, balancing his weight on one elbow as he opened the top drawer of the bedside table and retrieved a bottle of lube and a condom from it. With how long it had been since Hank had last had sex with anyone, he prayed that the condom hadn’t expired yet. A brief look at the shiny wrapper told him that today seemed to be his lucky day, after all.  
  
When Hank turned his attention back to Gavin, the younger man had already moved the pillow from underneath his head to a place, where he could comfortably rest his hips on it and looked at Hank with silent longing. Hank wondered briefly if this might be something Gavin had imagined happening even before tonight but he quickly discarded the thought again in favor of uncapping the bottle of lube and pouring a good amount onto his hand. For a moment, nerves threatened to overtake Hank. It had been so long since he had been with anyone like this. What if he couldn’t deliver?  
  
Before he could get too deeply into such thoughts, though, Gavin keened underneath him, urging him to go on already. Without further hesitation, Hank lowered his hand until his lube-coated fingers pressed against Gavin’s hole.  
  
“Fuck”, Gavin hissed and tensed underneath him. Hank quickly withdrew his fingers again to make sure he hadn’t accidentally harmed his partner for the night.  
  
“Are you okay?”, he asked. This wasn’t supposed to be slow, sweet lovemaking but he didn’t want to actually hurt Gavin either with his eagerness. The man nodded and took a deep breath.  
  
“’s cold is all…”, he muttered, then looked Hank deep in the eyes, “Keep going.” Hank pressed his fingers to Gavin’s hole again, hoping the lube would warm up quickly. But there was no need to worry. Gavin took him incredibly well and after he had worked the first finger into him, Hank had to avert his gaze to keep himself from getting overwhelmed. Watching, where their bodies were joined and how eagerly Gavin accepted the intrusion was just a little too much for him.  
  
In an attempt to distract himself, Hank leaned forward and began trailing kisses all across Gavin’s neck and collarbone. He sucked and bit at the other man’s skin not really caring if he left any marks there. Showed up at work with bruises scattered across his body more often than not anyway. No one would suspect that Hank was the one to put them there this time around and he trusted Gavin to keep his mouth shut about the origins of the marks.  
  
So Hank bit and sucked his way across Gavin’s collarbone and neck as he worked the younger man open. He listened to the moans and whimpers and mewls and wondered if this was how Gavin was always like in bed. While Hank had quickly deduced that despite his wannabe-bossy attitude Gavin was a bottom through and through, it still came as a surprise to see just how needy and submissive the man underneath him was. Hank had expected a fight for dominance, some snarling and hissing, Gavin at least insisting he ride Hank to keep some semblance of being the one in control. But none of it had happened. Maybe he had misjudged Gavin. Or maybe it was the special situation they were in. Either way, Hank was glad things were the way they were and his brain was far beyond complex thought either way.  
  
A low whine eventually dragged him out of his reverie and he looked down at Gavin. The young man had his face screwed up in pleasure.  
  
“Hank, fuck…”, he gasped, hands clawing at the sheets underneath him, “Just...fuck…do something!”  
  
Gavin’s pleading sent a shiver of want down Hank’s spine and straight to his cock and he was all too happy to oblige. Without consciously realizing it, he was already pumping three fingers in and out of Gavin’s body and had him stretched enough that taking Hank’s girth would be a tight fit but hopefully not too painful. Gavin whimpered and cursed under his breath as Hank withdrew his fingers and tore open the condom packet instead. Within seconds Hank had unrolled it on his length and soothingly caressed Gavin’s inner thigh as he spread more lube on his hand and gave himself a few firm pumps to spread the slick over his cock.  
  
Hank lined himself up and watched Gavin’s face closely for any signs of discomfort as he began to push in. He wasn’t particularly keen on hurting the other man but his body demanded he finally do something about the need that had been burning through him for what seemed like hours now. Gavin’s face contorted, if it was in pleasure or pain Hank couldn’t really say. But he made no move to stop him, only threw his arms around Hank and clung to him for dear life. When Gavin’s fingernails dug into his skin and sent tiny waves of pain through Hank, he gave up all pretense of going slow and just thrust into Gavin until he was fully sheathed inside him.  
  
Breathing harshly, Hank forced himself to give Gavin at least a few seconds to adapt. But raw need quickly overwhelmed him with how Gavin’s nails dug into his back and his hole clenched deliciously around him. Hank cast him a questioning glance and when Gavin nodded weakly, he began thrusting into him.  
  
Hank didn’t bother to slowly build up speed and work them both slowly towards a peak. Instead, he began ramming into Gavin at a punishing pace almost instantly. He let his body dictate his every move and gave in to the mounting pleasure inside him. Gavin didn’t seem to mind if his loud moans and pleas for more were anything to go by. Hank was sure there would be marks on his back in the morning with how desperately Gavin clung to him but he couldn’t care less at the moment.  
  
His thrusts gained in speed and strength and eventually, Hank had to hold on to Gavin’s hips to prevent himself from fucking him against the wooden headboard with every sharp thrust. There were more than enough pillows gathered around but he figured that continuously having once head slammed against a wooden board, even through a mountain of pillows, would take its toll on anyone’s arousal. And if there was one thing Hank wanted to prevent it was making Gavin feel unwell and being asked to stop.  
  
He wasn’t even sure if he could stop now, even if someone asked him to. Hank’s body was on full autopilot, his mind taking the backseat and watching the events unfold. Everything felt so real and raw and desperate. It was all Hank needed right now. The constant prickling pain of Gavin’s blunt fingernails digging into his skin kept him grounded and combined with the pleasure of fucking into a willing body it made him feel more alive than he had in several months.  
  
Pleasure pooled low in his gut and with every thrust, it grew more and more intense. Hank’s lips were still busy somewhere at Gavin’s neck and he reveled in the noises he could pull from the younger man with his lips and his cock. Getting confirmation that, yes, what he did felt good not only to him but to his partner too only managed to fuel Hank’s arousal and he realized with sudden clarity that he was already racing towards his climax. He had no idea for how long they had been going at it since all he had been able to focus on was the immense pleasure burning inside him. But even if his orgasm overtook him embarrassingly early, Hank couldn’t be bothered to hold out any longer. His body screamed for release and gratification until his climax was all that was left on his mind.  
  
Not a minute later, Hank came with a shout and for several, blissful seconds his mind went completely blank. All thoughts were banished and he was reduced to feeling only the intense pleasure that coursed through him. His hips moved on their own accord for a few more thrusts into the body beneath his, then they stilled and Hank had to quickly pull out and roll to the side to keep himself from squashing Gavin under his weight. He came to rest on his back and took a couple of steadying breaths. Then, his hand found its way back to his dick and he shuddered a little as he took it in hand to take off the condom, tie it up and throw it in the general direction of the wastebasket in a corner of the room.  
  
With his eyes already falling shut, Hank was ready to drift off into heavy, dreamless sleep. His need to feel alive and all other needs for that matter finally sated for once. But a sudden movement to his right caught his attention and he blinked his eyes open again. Gavin had wordlessly gotten out of bed and now set about the task of picking his clothes off of the floor. Hank was glad the young man made to leave so quickly after what had just happened. He wouldn’t have taken Gavin for the type to want to cuddle and stick around after something that was clearly a one-time thing but the speed at which he had left the bed to get dressed and get on the road was appreciated nonetheless.  
  
It wasn’t until Gavin hissed softly as he put his briefs back on and Hank turned to see a distinctive tenting in them that he realized he hadn’t even made sure that Gavin had finished. And he quite obviously hadn’t.  
  
“Hey, shit, sorry”, Hank muttered almost incoherently, then cleared his throat and started anew, “Let me…” He gestured vaguely at the erection Gavin now forced into the tight confines of his jeans and scooted over to the side of the bed that was closer to him.  
  
“It’s fine”, Gavin muttered although he didn’t seem convinced by his own words.  
  
“Really, I should. It wouldn’t be fair…”, Hank insisted but Gavin only shook his head and put on his shirt.  
  
“It’s fine”, he insisted, a little harsher this time, “I gotta get home anyway. Work starts in five hours and I should try to get at least some sleep.” Hank’s eyes wandered to his alarm clock and it showed that it was a little past four in the morning. He worked the same shift as Gavin the next day. Fuck.  
  
“Good night, then”, he murmured, not really sure what else to say. Gavin gave a non-committal grunt and a shrug, then left the room. A moment later Hank heard the front door close behind him and about a minute later a car pulled away from the curb.  
  
All the warm, cozy satisfaction his orgasm had brought him, was already beginning to wane again and Hank quickly buried his face in his pillow to try and fall asleep before it vanished completely. He tried not to think about what a selfish bastard he had been tonight and how he should probably apologize to Gavin in the morning for using him like this and then leaving him high and dry. Hank calmed his racing thoughts by assuring himself over and over again that he would make it up to Gavin somehow. His subconscious didn’t seem to mind that he had no idea how to even do that and finally, he drifted off.  
  
The next morning at work Hank found Gavin in the breakroom upon his arrival. Almost his entire neck and collarbone were covered in bruises and bite marks and Tina Chen was currently trying her hardest to get Gavin to talk about what had happened to him the night before. Their gazes met for a short moment before both Hank and Gavin looked away. All the way through making himself a coffee, Hank wondered what he could do or say to Gavin after what had happened last night. Should he even say anything?  
  
Throughout the workday he caught Gavin glancing in his direction every now and again and every time it happened Hank quickly looked away. The day ended with Gavin leaving with a thunderous expression on his face and Hank knowing that he had fucked up. From here on out, all that was left to do for him was to watch their relationship slowly deteriorate until one day they could barely be in the same room without picking a fight. Hank wanted to say he cared about it but if he was honest with himself, he had only crawled back into his bottle after that night with Gavin and even though it had made him feel alive again for a short while, he had come to the conclusion that feeling alive meant he had to deal with pain and heartbreak. That was far more than Hank could bear and so he had decided to go back to feeling nothing. And if some nights he thought about how he had gone back to where he started and all that he had achieved was hurting an innocent party in the process, Hank drowned those thoughts out with more whiskey until he passed out alone in his too big bed.  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading I hope you enjoyed it! Comments and kudos are much appreciated. You can also come say hi on twitter @NoiseStrangest.


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